Sunday, December 25, 2011

SWM seeking a clue.

I always sport the latest fashion.
Traditionally, right around the holidays there is a tremendous increase in online dating which is presumably an effect of people feeling lonely around the holidays.  Since I am a man of tradition (what?) I decided to try my hand at it.  I know that you, fair reader, cannot comprehend that I am single.  It took me a while to get over this impossible fact as well and sign in to a popular dating site.

After a fair bit of trying to create a profile, I gave up and deleted it.  I know that their questions were well intended, but answering them was like putting a square peg in a round hole.  Or housing your pet elephant in a breadbox.  And if I even completed the profile, was I going to be able to find a girl I was interested in based off of her answers to these questions (oh wait, that's what a date is for, isn't it?)?  Or maybe I was just lazy.  Instead, I figured it would be easier and more fun for me to write whatever the hell I wanted here.  Maybe someday I will be ambitious enough to adapt this for elsewhere.

So without further ado, I give you the dating profile of Tom Mrotek, AKA The Wild Dork, AKA "that weird guy in the corner".  Feedback is welcomed and encouraged.  (Also, for folks who just Google searched for "Tom Mrotek" and came up with this, this isn't the Tom Mrotek from Wisconsin.  I'm sure he's quite a professional guy, could be married for all I know, and probably hates me for all the stupid garbage I write here and people think it's him.)

The ladies cannot resist me.
I am seeking a female who is old enough to rent a car and not old enough to collect Social Security.    She can live anywhere.  Well, maybe not New Jersey.  I don't care what her height, weight, build, ethnicity, hair color, eye color or anything else is so long as it doesn't keep my date from mountaineering, paddling, laughing, biking, skiing, yelling at cows, meeting strangers, ice climbing (maybe just a little?), exploring strangeness, running, face painting, or bowling.  Okay, maybe not all of those.  She doesn't have to like caving.  Caving sucks.

My sign is Sagittarius but if you ask me what that means I have no idea.  I'm pretty sure we may be compatible even if the astrological charts say it's a no-no.

I am a middle child with two brothers.  Beyond being a simple icebreaker on a first date, I'm not sure how that's helpful information.

Why is there never an option for "everyone's wrong" when they ask you your political views?  I support gay marriage.  I own guns.  Where does that put me?

I consistently pull down 5 figures.  There may or may not be a decimal point in there somewhere.  I intend to keep it that way.  To quote Eric Beck, "At either end of the social spectrum there lies a leisure class."
Yes.  I am 'that' Tom.

I probably don't want kids.  Unless we're talking about infant goats.  Then, yes, I definitely want kids.

My record for not bathing is 28 days.  I can (and will) beat that.

Dogs?  Yeah, I like dogs (to quote Snatch, which is a pretty good movie).  Cats on the other hand are a completely different animal (I also like puns).  To date, I only have one experience living with a wacky cat that likes to drink out of faucets to the point of getting sick, does somersaults, meows loudly and incessantly, and plays with noisy plastic bags at 2am.  Maybe I'll warm up to a different one.  Birds, lizards, fish and scorpions are pets that I've been fine with in the past.

I think I got too close to the edge.
I like loud action movies with explosions in them.  And comedies.  And dramas, but cool dramas, not deathbed/crying dramas.

I don't smoke, it's a disgusting habit (to quote Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, which I quote a lot by the way).

I am educated but I do not have a college degree.  Having lived in a college town for 8 years, I can tell you that a college degree does not equate to being educated.

Most of my jackets and packs are red.  But I don't think red is my favorite color...

Extra classy cooler in a classy motel bathroom
I don't drink anymore.  I either didn't enjoy it or determined it was too expensive and I could afford to work less by quitting.  I forget.

I have a slender build.  This is either due to the fact that I a) was born that way, b) eat only rice and beans, or c) my fro is so large it makes me look skinny by comparison.

I speak English fluently.  I speak a little bit of Spanish or at least enough to have bribed a Mexican cop to stay out of jail.  I'd like to learn more Spanish so I can travel through Central and South America.

I exercise 12-15 times a week.  I'm pretty sure that isn't an exaggeration.

Hey sexy!
My idea of a good time is... probably every other person's idea of a nightmare.  My good time includes some amount of physical suffering, adolescent and/or adult humor, indistinguishable food that's most likely been burnt, and perhaps a chance encounter with some wildlife.  If you would rather stick to a more traditional date, I would opt for a hole in the wall diner where I will order breakfast, regardless of the time of day.

You want to know if I am really spiritual or religious?  Let's just say if this is one of your "deal breaker" requirements, you may want to look elsewhere.

I have thick glasses.  People say they make me look sexy.  Actually I say that to try and convince people.  Also, apparently everyone thinks you're a computer geek if you have thick glasses.  Which is funny because I actually work for a computer programming company, but I don't know anything about computers.

[Author's note 12/31/2011:  Somehow I forgot to include my musical tastes in this profile.  Allow me to remedy that.]

My friend, Ieva, says it best: "Tom really likes heavy metal and hair bands.  If the band's still together, Tom probably doesn't like them."
Wow.  With a profile like that, I'm sure that women would be falling over one another trying to get a date with me.  Falling over laughing.  Which is good.  I like a woman who laughs.


  1. Tom,
    Come on down here to México and work on your Spanish. I'll even fix you up with a date :)

  2. "Why is there never an option for 'everyone's wrong' when they ask you your political views? I support gay marriage. I own guns. Where does that put me?"


  3. Correction: You once lived with a cat named Checkers. How dare you forget!

  4. Hey, that's me next to the hottie with the luau flowers! It's true Tom is unresistable to the ladies--note Jon's extreme jealousy in the background.

  5. See. SEE! I wasn't lying, ladies. Thanks Jill!